Defiled Idol

Sauce: Kasumin from Love Live Nijigaku. Great anime! Sauce is a cursed doujin... https://nhentai.net/g/328707/

A soundtrack for this cap, for those who like that kind of thing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7SbeF3Oqu8

No hate towards real idols, this is just this guy's unfortunate experience.

 

Full text below:

I had the wrong idea of what a school idol is like. I only watched an anime about it, where everything is fun and easy and lighthearted. I fell into idol hell, wasting away my money and my life in my obsession with these idols that weren’t even real. As my addiction got worse, I realized that I didn’t love the idols, but rather, I wanted to be one. I wanted to be loved and admired, I wanted to be seen as pure and innocent, and I wanted to hang out with other cute girls who were just as amazing. I wanted everything about myself, everything I did, to be pure and valuable and precious, and desired. I wanted to be envied and obsessed over by all the guys like me who couldn’t be any of those things, who couldn’t even touch them—I wanted to be above them, to be hopelessly out of their reach.

 

It was a greedy, stupid dream. I think a demon sensed it. I completely fell for the trap. I was offered a contract, which would give me a new life as a female idol, exactly how I’d dreamed of. I would get the talent, the skills, the looks, everything that an idol needed, everything that I’d wanted to have. The only catch was that it would be my only ability, the only job I could have, the only life I could live. I didn’t hesitate. As the contract burst into flames, my soul left this world, and soon after I woke up again in my new body.

***

I slowly lowered myself on my new bed, exhausted and tired, not even knowing how to feel. It had only been one day, but I could tell that I’d made the worst mistake of my life. A complete sense of hopelessness and fatigue took over. I could feel my feminine features all over my body, now permanently a part of myself. My body was small and adorable and perfect—and I would hate it forever.

 

I could remember every detail of that first day. I had to answer to an agency, who made all of my decisions for me and micromanaged every single aspect of my life. An alarm woke me up at 5 in the morning, and I answered a call from one of them telling me to do my schoolwork before class started. I found that I was living by myself, in a dorm in a specialized girls’ school, where everyone was cold and unfriendly and I felt more isolated than in my entire life. It was so terrible that I lashed out and acted like a bitch to them, to stop the bullying. That made them leave me alone. I already saw myself becoming like the rest of them, and I hated it.

 

My schedule, my entire life, was all planned out, the team of guys telling me stuff at the last minute, whenever it suited them to. They were all intimidating people, only friendly on the surface, and while they didn’t touch me I felt a deep vulnerability and discomfort around them, and it didn’t stop when they were gone.

 

There was a practice that day, and there would be something like that pretty much every day since. When I saw the rest of the group, I hated them at first sight. My body knew what to do, how to talk to them, how to act the right way, so I let that part take over. I went with it, completing our practice normally, not wanting to make anything harder, just wanting it to be over. When I could finally leave, I was acting just as bitchy and terrible towards the staff as all of them.

  

That’s what went through my head on that night, when I was laying there on that bed, too confused and frightened to even think. Finally the first sobs came, and the first tears came out in front of my eyes. Shortly after, I reached my hand down and touched my new self, sexually, for the first time. It relaxed my mind, and my tiredness took over.

***

I wish that was all there was. A deep lust grew inside me, one that I couldn’t stop whenever it arose. Both my mind and my idol instincts grew terrified of it. I was supposed to be pure, to never have sex or lust over a man—to keep the fantasy alive for the fans. On top of all the lies that my life was made of, I couldn’t even do that for them. I hid it, desperately looking for any opportunity to be alone, even if only for a few seconds, to satisfy myself. The changing rooms became my favorite spot, where the shame, nervousness, and fear of getting caught made it even hotter and more irresistible. When I saw myself, whether in my school uniform or dressed up, I thought of how I was betraying the fans, how much I hated them, the agency, myself, how much I hated everything. It unleashed that innermost, carnal desire within me.

 

I admit to nothing. If anything comes out, even a false rumor, that I’m impure, it’s over. I don’t know what will happen, but it will be bad. So I force myself to contain it. It seems like every private moment, my mind rushes to fantasize about fucking anyone, literally anyone, man or woman, needing something other than myself. I know it comes from me, from my loneliness and my regret—it's a part of the real me, and that's why it's frightening.

***

At the greets, I get to touch the hands of my fans. They think they are the ones getting privileged, paying and entering lotteries just for a second of my human touch. But for me, it is even more precious. It is the only genuine love I have—though it’s only in this cynical, manufactured form—the only thing that connects me to the humanity I used to be.